MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TODAY
I awoke up today feeling happy because I am still with the person I married decades ago.I met him when I was only 19 and here we are two children and many years later still together.Looking back over the years I will be lying if I said it was like being on your honeymoon from day 1,actually we did not go on a honeymoon.It did not start out with a bang, so many obstacles came our way.It has really stood the test of time.
Looking back I have mixed emotions,lots of regrets of things I should have done differently with my life and with my children, I was pre occupied in finding my own happiness that I failed to see that others around me were unhappy too.In a way it was a selfish thing to do,I can console myself today saying I was Young and did not know better,but that is just an excuse.There is a quote that says you don't have to look far to find happiness, sometimes it is just over your shoulder.I failed to look.
I have had lots of ups and downs in my marriage.I cannot even remember the triggers that brought stuff on.I have to highlight my marriage into blocks and not in years because no two years were the same.
The first block was waiting for my husband to come from India,it was an exciting time.Phone calls were very expensive so we did a lot of letter writing.It took two almost two years.In that time I concentrated on my school work and a job and was setting up the apartment where we could live.
The second block started when he did arrive here,it was fun and I could not have been happier.There were places to go to and things to see and new food to taste.He was the love of my life.I found it hard to leave to work because I just wanted to stay with him.No two people could have been happier.
The third block of my life started when I was expecting my first child,my husband was in school full time, we were stressed sometimes from fearing the unknown, worrying whether we would be good parents and how we would raise our children in this new adopted land of ours.
The fourth block I should say was a little tumultuous,, my second child was born,my husbands job moved so we had to move cross country to California. Settling in was easy because I had family over here where as my husband had none.Different problems arise with new places,new jobs and new money.One would think nothing of this but that was not so.I think we were getting more and more stressed. I feel I neglected my children because I was too occupied with work.
The fifth block in my life, my children are growing up really fast, doing well in school and will soon be going away to college.I hurt my back and stopped work and trying very hard to have a normal household.I could not do the things I wanted and it has taken a strain on the family.
Well we are here in the sixth block of my life.An empty nest.The children are gone, it is just "J"and I .I think we weathered the storm. I don't know whether we got closer after me being ill or its because we are growing older and realize how important we are to each other.I do hope it is the latter.I feel I love J more now than I ever did,I understand him better and respect his views,looking back maybe if i had this knowledge I could have been a better parent and wife.I was young and had to give my point of view.different circumstance's that happened made me very insecure and I thought that I was the only one who could do a good job with the children.I think 'J" has been a really good Dad and husband.we do what we know best, there are no manuals on how to raise children or how to have a happy married life or how to deal with each other, sometimes it is trial and error.I am glad that in the end it made us strong.
Yes I do have some regrets.and I always will.But I am not going to look back and worry myself about the things past.There is still some future left and everyday that I live adds to it. I hope to live each day in the knowledge that I am using up each day that I have the best way I can .Time does not stand still. Happy Anniversary "J". Cheers and here's to many more wonderful years together.
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27 April, 2010
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9:40 AM
