JUNE 21 2010
Yesterday was a really nice day,First it was fathers day and then Vijay was home from school.He came and took us out to lunch,then rented the movie "Shutter Island".He always brings joy when he comes home and we miss him when he leaves.It reminded me of fathers day gone by, the children would be so excited to make cards, buy a present and surprise him.Even though it has not been too long since he went away it does seem longer.I am glad that he is in school in California,about 100 miles from home so he can come home often.When kids are young they rely on us for everything and now it looks like he is always worried about me and asks if I am OK.Time does fly but I am glad he is responsible and is a good kid .They have a good dad,disciplined but sensitive and has set a good example for them, I could not have expected or asked for more.
JUNE 21 2010
Enjoying a quiet evening watching the Lakers/ celtic game.routing for the celtics even though I live in Los Angeles.Cannot explain why but thats how it is.It is a close game and I wish the celtics will win."J" is busy watching a Malayalam movie instead.I missed the movie to watch basketball.Are any of you interested in Basketball?
June 5 2010
Today was a really nice relaxing day ,my sister and her children came to visit me,and I had a wonderful time.I am really blessed to have a suporting and loving family.they go out of their way and find time in their busy lives to visit with me.They do not live close but travel close to 80 miles which is not a fun drive when there is so much of traffic.I thank God for all these blessings , big or small.I still have my heart monitor on.I think it will be off on Monday so one more day to go.As I look out of the window I see the sun setting , the birds have gone to rest and everything is calm outside.
May 19 2010
Today is the 19th of May and I have not written anything in my journal.Maybe I should not be calling it my daily journal because I do not post everyday.I also have a regular book that I write in every evening ,it is kind of personal so I just keep it to myself. It is a sunny day today, yesterday was overcast and we did have some rain.I hear the birds chirping, it amazes me that the birds sing everyday , no matter what,I often wonder if they have bad days like us.what makes them sing and not just keep quiet? Sometimes I feel happy and there are some days I just dont.I do try and make the day happy because I know that "J" will be sad if he came home and saw me sad.I think it is us who set the day, we can either make it nice or even in the worst of circumstances try to deal with it ,or we can let the whole day just be miserable, so sometimes I try to set the day to be good even if I know it is going to be bad.I know I cannot prevent it from being that way, and sometimes I cannot really change it but I can try. Do you think we can change how we feel?
“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather.” ~ Goethe
MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TODAY
I awoke up today feeling happy because I am still with the person I married decades ago.I met him when I was only 19 and here we are two children and many years later still together.Looking back over the years I will be lying if I said it was like being on your honeymoon from day 1,actually we did not go on a honeymoon.It did not start out with a bang, so many obstacles came our way.It has really stood the test of time.
Looking back I have mixed emotions,lots of regrets of things I should have done differently with my life and with my children, I was pre occupied in finding my own happiness that I failed to see that others around me were unhappy too.In a way it was a selfish thing to do,I can console myself today saying I was Young and did not know better,but that is just an excuse.There is a quote that says you don't have to look far to find happiness, sometimes it is just over your shoulder.I failed to look.
I have had lots of ups and downs in my marriage.I cannot even remember the triggers that brought stuff on.I have to highlight my marriage into blocks and not in years because no two years were the same.
The first block was waiting for my husband to come from India,it was an exciting time.Phone calls were very expensive so we did a lot of letter writing.It took two almost two years.In that time I concentrated on my school work and a job and was setting up the apartment where we could live.
The second block started when he did arrive here,it was fun and I could not have been happier.There were places to go to and things to see and new food to taste.He was the love of my life.I found it hard to leave to work because I just wanted to stay with him.No two people could have been happier.
The third block of my life started when I was expecting my first child,my husband was in school full time, we were stressed sometimes from fearing the unknown, worrying whether we would be good parents and how we would raise our children in this new adopted land of ours.
The fourth block I should say was a little tumultuous,, my second child was born,my husbands job moved so we had to move cross country to California. Settling in was easy because I had family over here where as my husband had none.Different problems arise with new places,new jobs and new money.One would think nothing of this but that was not so.I think we were getting more and more stressed. I feel I neglected my children because I was too occupied with work.
The fifth block in my life, my children are growing up really fast, doing well in school and will soon be going away to college.I hurt my back and stopped work and trying very hard to have a normal household.I could not do the things I wanted and it has taken a strain on the family.
Well we are here in the sixth block of my life.An empty nest.The children are gone, it is just "J"and I .I think we weathered the storm. I don't know whether we got closer after me being ill or its because we are growing older and realize how important we are to each other.I do hope it is the latter.I feel I love J more now than I ever did,I understand him better and respect his views,looking back maybe if i had this knowledge I could have been a better parent and wife.I was young and had to give my point of view.different circumstance's that happened made me very insecure and I thought that I was the only one who could do a good job with the children.I think 'J" has been a really good Dad and husband.we do what we know best, there are no manuals on how to raise children or how to have a happy married life or how to deal with each other, sometimes it is trial and error.I am glad that in the end it made us strong.
Had a doctor appointment yesterday.The guys from Boston Scientific were there to reprogram my stimulator, set up a few more programs, having a problem getting to my back.I just have to wait and see.Sometimes it is just frustrating, but I know I have to be patient and see what happens.It is a beautiful day today, it started out as a really gloomy and overcast day, but now the sun is out , I hear the birds singing , all is well with the world.